Void
I fear boredom. I don't know why. It's just the way it is. I should be happy that my two hardest classes are now over, but I instead feel empty. I should look forward to a fun trip I've been planning this month, but I realize that once it passes (or even in the midst of it), there will be nothing but a void.
I can't help feeling similar to Jonathan Shields in "The Bad and the Beautiful" (1952). It has haunted me ever since I watched it two years ago for a film class. Of course, I will never betray anyone for any means, but like Shields, once a project or goal is finished, I don't feel satisfied at all. Instead, I feel anguish and longing - like I have just lost purpose and have suddenly been reduced to nothing. I can be anything and do anything, but once I stop, I sink away into the shadows.
It is not as if I pursue a goal or task because I enjoy it either. It is simply that I would feel so much worse off if I were without one. And like Shields, somehow I always need the help of others to move forward, whether it is to practically get something done or just provide feedback and encouragement. I feel, however, that, unlike Shields, I am not always the one in control, the one directing the action. I look for opportunities where I end up being used, and yet, I cannot turn away because the alternative is to then become useless.
I can't help feeling similar to Jonathan Shields in "The Bad and the Beautiful" (1952). It has haunted me ever since I watched it two years ago for a film class. Of course, I will never betray anyone for any means, but like Shields, once a project or goal is finished, I don't feel satisfied at all. Instead, I feel anguish and longing - like I have just lost purpose and have suddenly been reduced to nothing. I can be anything and do anything, but once I stop, I sink away into the shadows.
It is not as if I pursue a goal or task because I enjoy it either. It is simply that I would feel so much worse off if I were without one. And like Shields, somehow I always need the help of others to move forward, whether it is to practically get something done or just provide feedback and encouragement. I feel, however, that, unlike Shields, I am not always the one in control, the one directing the action. I look for opportunities where I end up being used, and yet, I cannot turn away because the alternative is to then become useless.
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